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Ask a Skinhead about Sports

Leaf-balls have flown their arcs, discount pumpkins have been carved to resemble Snow White and Batman, hippies have turned to scratchy wool sweaters and beard shampoos. Young skinheads, having all upon the fly, among rhythmic slaps of Derek Wade of Angelic Upstarts on the drums, prepared their davenports and foot-rests in a comfortable corner of the room for watching the preliminary games leading up to baseball’s World Series. We caught up with one of these skinheads and gave him some reader mail about the baseball playoffs so that he might occupy himself with it, while listening to The Last Resort over Karl Ravech‘s ministrations over the Yankees‘ middle relief, as is his wont.

Hey Skinhead. I was really impressed by the Phillies rotation in the NLDS. Can it withstand San Francisco? Also, can I wear Sta-Prests to a job interview? – Bruiser, Olney, Pa.

Hey Bruiser, thanks for writing.  As my friend Proud Gary would say, you hit the nail on the skinhead. Joe Blanton notwithstanding, Philly holds the best rotation of the four teams left. Their 1-2-3 reminds me, at times, of the 1990s Braves, as well as “Out Tonight/My Land/Trendy Punks” by The Glory Boys. In other words: dominant.

Some of the great un-shaved have been quick to praise the Giants rotation as better. I think those critics are a bit off. Sure, Tim Lincecum, Matt Cain and Jon Sanchez strike out a ton of guys, but they walk many more than do Roys Halladay and Oswalt and Cole Hamels. The three Phillies aces have held hitters to a sub-300 on-base average. Avoiding the crooked inning is the key to winning in the playoffs, and I think Philadelphia is better positioned to come ahead on that matter. Equally important is the offense, and Philly comes ahead there, as well. As for Sta-Prests, don’t wear them unless you are interviewing for a foreman position. That said, I assume you are, so wear them in good health.

Hey Skinhead. Heard this: Texas’ all-righty lineup will be exposed against the Yanks rotation. Care to comment? Also, any recommendations for a good all-weather boot? – Dutchie, Chula Vista, Calif.

Hey Dutchie, thanks for writing. I don’t much love New York’s rotation but I think that, yes, like you said, there are some glaring holes in the Rangers‘ offensive charge. Not sure why Mitch Moreland, he of a 4-for-21 line vs. southpaws, is starting against CC Sabathia. Josh Hamilton, Texas’ MVP and token edge-man, has a near-800 OPS vs. southpaws, good, to be sure, but way below his right-handers line. Ian Kinsler is around there too. Vlad Guerrero is doing well against portsiders, as is Nelson Cruz, but I would bet on Sabathia before those two, who are often injured and wear their hair a bit too long for my liking.

That said, on the subject of the Yankees rotation after Sabathia, who is a fat skinhead, I’m not convinced. Young Phil Hughes has labored since August, and Andy Pettitte has done less work than even the most lazy and inept of non-union gravel foremen. A.J. Burnett has been brave, donning hand tattoos in tribute of his fellow factory workers and dog chasers, but he’s also been diarrhea on the field. He is awful. I think this series will go six and New York will win, and I think you should buy Doc Martens.

Hey Skinhead. What’s with the Giants outfield? How is Aubrey Huff hitting like an MVP? Are Andre Torres and Angel Pagan the same person? And what size Brutus shirt do you take? – Mutt, Wigan, UK.

Hey Mutt, thanks for writing. I’m not sure what’s up with that outfield. Huff looks rejuvenated, and, as many of my friends who are from the east coast and have jobs as heavy equipment operators on sand and gravel lots (namely, Butch and Angry Skinhead George Jr.) like to remind me, is a Yankee killer. Check out his Tampa Bay splits, they’re very impressive.

Andre Torres and Angel Pagan are not the same person, but they are close! Ha, ha. Torres has a much better UZR/150 and haircut than Pagan, and I’d like to think my readers know how I feel about both those subjects, despite this being my first column. That said, credit Giants GM Brian Sabean for rescuing Torres off the scrap heap, and, more importantly, credit scrap heap workers for building the foundation to this great nation, the outline of which I have displayed prominently in a tattoo on my neck. I wear a size large in skinhead shirts.

Got questions for the skinhead? Emails can be sent to ccrecordtrading@hotmail.com, or replied to our newsdesk’s Twitter account, which is @Trumbull.

One Comment

  1. Rodrigo wrote:

    Fine 1 submit. Standard trouble is actually G. transform their spirit too frequently.

    Friday, January 11, 2013 at 6:52 pm | Permalink

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