Our pen pal, infamous prisoner Jonathan Lee Riches ©, has written Trumbull once again. This time he wishes to update us on his current and unprecedented situation. With the passage of the USA PATRIOT Act, Americans have seen a steady decline in their civil liberties. And now it appears that another constitutional protection has fallen by the wayside for one individual (download the case here). So without further ado, Mr. Riches, the floor is yours…

Dear Trumbull,

The Bureau of Prisons in conjunction with the Federal Medical Center, Lexington Kentucky, (FMC Lexington) are going through extraordinary means to silence me, punishment through solitary confinement with psychological warfare inflicted on my life.

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Edit: DailyThunder.com has confirmed that this is a viral marketing campaign from Nike. Caveat emptor!

We’ve been hoodwinked! Bamboozled!

We’ve been led astray.

Anyways, here’s the original post.

Kevin Durant is a pretty cool dude:

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Leaf-balls have flown their arcs, discount pumpkins have been carved to resemble Snow White and Batman, hippies have turned to scratchy wool sweaters and beard shampoos. Young skinheads, having all upon the fly, among rhythmic slaps of Derek Wade of Angelic Upstarts on the drums, prepared their davenports and foot-rests in a comfortable corner of the room for watching the preliminary games leading up to baseball’s World Series. We caught up with one of these skinheads and gave him some reader mail about the baseball playoffs so that he might occupy himself with it, while listening to The Last Resort over Karl Ravech‘s ministrations over the Yankees‘ middle relief, as is his wont.

Hey Skinhead. I was really impressed by the Phillies rotation in the NLDS. Can it withstand San Francisco? Also, can I wear Sta-Prests to a job interview? – Bruiser, Olney, Pa.

Hey Bruiser, thanks for writing.  As my friend Proud Gary would say, you hit the nail on the skinhead. Joe Blanton notwithstanding, Philly holds the best rotation of the four teams left. Their 1-2-3 reminds me, at times, of the 1990s Braves, as well as “Out Tonight/My Land/Trendy Punks” by The Glory Boys. In other words: dominant.

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Today on Slate, critic Tom Scocca took Peter King, Sports Illustrated football big cheese, to task for bullying Andrew Barron for his late holding penalty that cost Dallas a division game. King called Barron a “disgrace” on Twitter, and further in his column where he noted the athlete did not even make “a semblance” at a kosher hold during that fourth quarter. For those who didn’t watch, Barron committed something close to a horse collar on Andrew Orapko, the Pro Bowl linebacker he was charged to block, which nullified Tony Romo’s would-be touchdown pass. Washington held on to win. It was Barron’s third (!) holding penalty that game — and, King noted, his league-leading 78^th in the past five-plus seasons.

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Thoughts on LeBron before his 9 PM announcement … please read the Phil G interview a post below. I assure you, it has more staying power than this.

LeBron James, this past day, has been excoriated for “building his brand,” for potentially leaving Cleveland, for possibly staying in Cleveland, for asking for front-line help, for upsetting the time-honored tradition of the sleepy press conference. LeBron, you see, has been implicating himself in a sideshow instead of leaving the confetti-throwing to removed professionals. And worse, he’s not a winner. It’s hard to say if this outsized rage is deserved or merely misplaced.

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It’s about time Trumbull weighed in on this BP mess in the Gulf of Mexico. However, our oil interests have called our objectivity into question. So, we’re going to pass the mic to our friend Jonathan Lee Riches. He recently sued the Deepwater Horizon Rig and some of its associates. Justia.com has been stingy with Riches’ case documents lately, but one of our inside men got us a copy of this legal masterpiece. What follows are Jonathan’s own handwritten words, edited (lightly) for spelling and grammar.

IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
DISTRICT OF COLORADO

Case No: 1:2010cv01123

Jonathan Lee Riches d/b/a
Bernard L. Madoff a/k/a
Umar Farouk ABdulmutallab,
Plaintiff
v.
Deepwater Horizon Rig a/k/a Transocean Ltd d/b/a BP PLC; HalliBurton Co.; Royal Dutch Shell PLC; Total SA; American Petroleum Institute; Tony Hayward; Gulf of Mexico; Gulf Islands National Seashore; Lake Pontchartrain; Chandeleur Sound; Mobile Bay; Breton National Wildlife refuge; Plaquemines Parish; Mississippi Delta; Gulfport Mississippi Police Department; Bon Secour National Wildlife refuge;
Defendants

[Preliminary Injunction, Temporary Restraining Order, TRO 28 USC 1331]

Comes now, Jonathan Lee Riches, d/b/a Bernard L. Madoff a/k/a Umar Farouk AbdulmutallaB. I face imminent danger and Bodily harm from the defendants collectively. My health is in serious Jeopardy because the oil is seeping through the ground and will hurt me causing me more medical problems than I can handle. The Deepwater Horizon Rig is a Environmental hazzard that’s involved with a major conspiracy with the Democrats to create a disaster so that Congress can justify a Ban on offshore drilling. Florida Sen. Ben Nelson [actually, Nebraska (D) — ed.] used his campaign money to secretly funnel funds into the accounts of the workers who died on the rig, in return they would die for the cause as martyrs, by blowing up the Deepwater Horizon Rig on purpose, so Nelson and other democrats can put on their Legacy to get Congress to stop drilling offshore.

This effects me personally. I will explain why. I’m in prison for computer hacking, phishing, spamming, identity theft. I’m illegally incarcerated as I was sentenced to over a decade in prison for being the mastermind of a international identity theft ring, cabal of cybercrooks where I sent the Melissa virus into 128 million PCs, and created botnets, spyware, and a Trojan horse to go steal Americans personal information, which I used to finance corporations and create a Ponzi scheme with my step-father Bernard Madoff, we financed GoDaddy.com with stolen money, I bought an ice cream truck in Phoenix, I renovated the Studio 54 nightclub and bought 43 acres of land and 3 cabins at Valley Forge Park, and now that I’m in prison at the Federal Medical Center in Lexington, Ky., getting medical treatment for my thigh cancer, I’m HIV positive, I have Hep-C, I have 1 leg, my right eye was poked out in a prison gang yard fight with Unabomber Kazinski (sic) and shoe bomber Reid at the ADX in Florence, Colo., where I spent 3 years in solitary confinement for filing 5,000 lawsuits and I’m not mentally stable now. The only thing I eat is on the prison commissary bluefin tuna, which comes from the Gulf of Mexico. The tuna I eat was caught 150 yards from where the Deepwater Horizon Rig exploded, and on 4-30-10 I opened up my tuna packet and ate a bunch of crude oil mixed in tuna oil which caused me to vomit, this is the defendants’ fault. All my 625 tuna packs that I bought are tainted with oil and in one of my tuna packs on 5-1-10, I found a burnt 1/2 identification badge from a unknown worker on the defendants’ rig that exploded. I want full congressional investigations because BP PLC, HalliBurton Co. stock went down after the disaster, but their executives and senators knew ahead of time to blow the rig up, so they sold their shares and did options knowing their stock would go down, this is manipulation, and a Wall St. scandal.

Also now, expect high prices at the gas pumps, this was done on purpose, so Americans will have to pay more for Memorial Day, this affects me because my mother collects SSI and is on welfare and defendants caused high gas prices, so she can’t afford to drive here to see me from Pennsylvania, my poor mother is 88 years old and she is now walking on the side of the interstate with a cane to come visit me. The Federal Bureau of Prisons is involved with chain gang labor, the defendants are in contract with the prisoners of FMC Lexington, to bring down 125 inmates, including me in a Bluebird Bus, to clean up oil on the Gulf Coast with our bare hands in balls and chains and my wildlife is being affected. My family can’t eat out at Red Lobster on Sat. night anymore out of fear the defendants poisoned their seafood, and the Mississippi River is in danger of overcrowding because illegal wildlife and Aqua life will have nowhere else to go but to swim upriver for safe haven which will cause fish gang turf wars and swordfish identity thieves with Travolta, and I won’t be able to swim in the Gulf of Mexico when I get out of prison because I will meet hostile poranna’s (sic), killer whales, Jaws who will be irritated and these animals know humans made their lives miserable and that’s why killer whales kill instructors at Sea World because oil got in their eyes. I was forced to build the Deepwater Horizon Rig for prison community service with Legos and Toyota parts. Also the defendants were in a conspiracy with North Korean ships, a covert operation. The Illuminati is responsible [for] cursing the New Orleans area again because of the areas Voo-doo practices. I admit on the record that Louis Farrakan paid me $3.5 million dollars to put dynamite on the 9th Ward Levees right after Katrina hit, I have the evidence on my DNA file and I pushed the act on YouTube.

Defendants are in a secret plot with republicans who are in a conspiracy with the democrats, the democrats want a end to offshore drilling, once this ban takes effect, then the republicans wil justify a invasion of Iran to steal their oil, using Iran as a enemy of Israel as a excuse, because gas prices are about to hit $4.00 a gallon and with this government caused recession, Americans will want justice and take it out on the poor Iranians. Also, the government controls the weather and this summer a Cat 5 hurricane is going to hammer the coast, justifying higher prices. I seek restraining orders, a government investigator, and the defendants turned over to the Hague for war crimes. I pray for relief.

Respectfully,
5-1-10
Jonathan Lee Riches

My friend Esoteric was curious about Boston’s love for Nomar Garciaparra, a player who flamed out, left acrimoniously and was overshadowed by his shortstop contemporaries and the franchise who would eventually win it all without him. Nomar, though, was — and still is —loved by Red Sox fans for his glory days, and for what he represented. Esoteric asked why. I think, as a Red Sox fan, I can give a bit of an answer.

Of course, Nomar was a great Red Sox, the best homegrown player on a great team. Sure, the club had Manny and Pedro, but look at Nomar’s resume before 2000: Unanimous Rookie of the Year, then MVP runner-up, then two batting titles, all at shortstop. He slugged higher than A-Rod through his first four years (though being older and hitting at Fenway didn’t hurt), and was on a Hall of Fame path until his wrist injury. Looking back, that peak is easy to gloss over — he was bad longer than he was good — but for a time, Nomar Garciaparra was a very special baseball player.

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