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Dear Jon, Pt. 7

Our pen pal, infamous prisoner Jonathan Lee Riches ©, has written Trumbull once again. This time he wishes to update us on his current and unprecedented situation. With the passage of the USA PATRIOT Act, Americans have seen a steady decline in their civil liberties. And now it appears that another constitutional protection has fallen by the wayside for one individual (download the case here). So without further ado, Mr. Riches, the floor is yours…

Trumbull Jonathan Lee Riches Trumbull Jonathan Lee Riches

Dear Trumbull,

The Bureau of Prisons in conjunction with the Federal Medical Center, Lexington Kentucky, (FMC Lexington) are going through extraordinary means to silence me, punishment through solitary confinement with psychological warfare inflicted on my life.

(Continued)

Shore Style

shore style njhc get real trumbull island

Allow me to take a moment before we embark upon this epic adventure into the lives of these people to explain to the reader the essence of what Shore Style is. In order to understand any part of the lives of these individuals, one must have a working knowledge of The Style and at least a moderate ability to tie that knowledge into real life examples. It is not entirely unheard of for The Style to completely bewilder the average person who has not yet gained a grasp of its many tenets. Part of what makes The Style so elusive to average mind is how intensely intangible it is. Along the lines of love or hatred, you must truly feel it to know what it is, although there is no true way to fully understand it. One must understand that The Style is both a way of life and at the same time not simply just a way of living. It is incomparable to a self-imposed decision such as veganism or being straight edge. It is an innate sense of self. It is more on the metaphysical level then anything else. Picture in your mind, if you will, a scenario. Any scenario that seems to have an impossible outcome. Now imagine that the impossible happening, but in such a way that you are too confused to even realize that it did, in fact, happen. The Style. Hypothetically, you are sitting in a diner on a date with beautiful woman. A large group of unrulies comes barreling into the diner and sits across the room from you. Their presence makes you uncomfortable because you feel they may offend your date. You see her staring at one with long gnarly hair. He is wearing a sleeveless hoodie, mesh shorts, and work boots. All of a sudden you have lost control. Your head stops spinning and your girlfriend is leaving with the dude in the work boots. How did this happen? You are a good-looking guy, well-dressed, nice car, lots of money. Now your girl is squeezed into a pickup truck with five grimy dudes and she’s getting ready for the train. The Style. There is this aura, unlike that of any other, that comes along with this style that turns impossible situations into bizarre anomalies. When a man or, in extremely rare cases, a woman is born with The Style, their mind inhabits a whole new plain of existence, much different from that of the normal world, while their body stays somewhat in sync with the rest of said normal world. The Style becomes apparent through many factors, some of the easiest to discern being the clothes, jargon, and innate ability to mosh well. Some of the harder factors to take notice of are the multiple lives that come hand in hand with having a mind that coincides on multiple plains of existence. Also, an extremely high sex drive is innate in those of The Style.

(Continued)

Neighbor to Durant: Nice lawn

Edit: DailyThunder.com has confirmed that this is a viral marketing campaign from Nike. Caveat emptor!

We’ve been hoodwinked! Bamboozled!

We’ve been led astray.

Anyways, here’s the original post.

Kevin Durant is a pretty cool dude:

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For Immediate Release: Newbridge Raiders Jr. VP on 2-5 record

MANHATTAN – Newbridge Raiders Football Club Vice President in Charge of Community Affairs, Team Spirit and Towel Rationing Clay Trumbull joins LOC Fantasy Football 2010 Commissioner Jason Barreau and Bombadil’s Beard Water-boy/GM Greg Lamotte, both in absentia, at a LOC Fantasy Football 2010 News Conference on Tuesday, Oct. 26 at approx. 4:30 p.m. ET.

Coming off four straight losses and facing a surging 5-1 Bombadil’s Beard team in front of 34,440 semi-nude fans, the Raiders tallied 75.90 points to Bombadil’s 80.90, dropping the club to 2-5, despite strong showings from new addition Hines Ward and lineup staple Joe Flacco. The game marked the fourth straight in which Raiders contributors were held to under 80 points, despite a strong start.

Newbridge pulled out to an early lead, though with the majority of player-minutes coming at early Sunday, only a wide points margin would have vouchsafed success.

“We looked good at the beginning,” said Trumbull, who confirmed that he received an expletive-filled text from Lamotte after waking up from a mid-afternoon nap.

(Continued)

Ask a Skinhead about Sports

Leaf-balls have flown their arcs, discount pumpkins have been carved to resemble Snow White and Batman, hippies have turned to scratchy wool sweaters and beard shampoos. Young skinheads, having all upon the fly, among rhythmic slaps of Derek Wade of Angelic Upstarts on the drums, prepared their davenports and foot-rests in a comfortable corner of the room for watching the preliminary games leading up to baseball’s World Series. We caught up with one of these skinheads and gave him some reader mail about the baseball playoffs so that he might occupy himself with it, while listening to The Last Resort over Karl Ravech‘s ministrations over the Yankees‘ middle relief, as is his wont.

Hey Skinhead. I was really impressed by the Phillies rotation in the NLDS. Can it withstand San Francisco? Also, can I wear Sta-Prests to a job interview? – Bruiser, Olney, Pa.

Hey Bruiser, thanks for writing.  As my friend Proud Gary would say, you hit the nail on the skinhead. Joe Blanton notwithstanding, Philly holds the best rotation of the four teams left. Their 1-2-3 reminds me, at times, of the 1990s Braves, as well as “Out Tonight/My Land/Trendy Punks” by The Glory Boys. In other words: dominant.

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The full list of Jonathan Lee Riches’ lawsuits, appeals, legal filings

jonathan lee riches lawsuits trumbull island

Everyone loves a good list. Although Brett Barrouquere of the Associated Press reported that Jonathan Lee Riches ©the most litigious man in history, has filed more than 3,800 lawsuits, the AP and many other news outlets have confused the number of PACER case locator entries under Jonathan’s name for actual lawsuits. Not all of these filings are lawsuits, although the majority of them are. Appeals, interventions, and other tricky legal filings are represented by this figure. And now, thanks to our team of data-molesting code monkeys, we are proud to present a dynamic (and accurate) table that will allow the world to admire Jonathan’s work in a way that gives some greater, more factual perspective on how monumental it is.

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Read Barron

Today on Slate, critic Tom Scocca took Peter King, Sports Illustrated football big cheese, to task for bullying Andrew Barron for his late holding penalty that cost Dallas a division game. King called Barron a “disgrace” on Twitter, and further in his column where he noted the athlete did not even make “a semblance” at a kosher hold during that fourth quarter. For those who didn’t watch, Barron committed something close to a horse collar on Andrew Orapko, the Pro Bowl linebacker he was charged to block, which nullified Tony Romo’s would-be touchdown pass. Washington held on to win. It was Barron’s third (!) holding penalty that game — and, King noted, his league-leading 78th in the past five-plus seasons.

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Dear Jon, Pt. 6

jonathan lee riches v rdap amanda hughes trumbull island

Back with the latest on heroic hacker, wordsmith, and human algorithm, the incarcerated Jonathan Lee Riches ©. He wrote to tell us about the abuses of power, sex, and drugs in the Residential Drug Abuse Program, RDAP, at the Federal Medical Center in Lexington, Kentucky, where he sits in solitary, awaiting his impending transfer to another federal prison to serve the remainder of his 125-month sentence1 for plea bargaining to a charge of wire fraud in 2003. Jonathan, in case you forgot, has filed more lawsuits than anyone else in history, all from behind bars.

Now, it’s really none of our business who’s fucking and/or sucking who at FMC Lexington, but we don’t take alleged abuse in the federal prison system lightly, especially when someone from the Trumbull camp is on the receiving end. Furthermore, we told Jonathan we’d publish anything he sent us. He has spent the last four or so years pushing the boundaries of the dry, prosaic legalese commonly found in lawsuits in order to fully articulate the injustice that has befallen him and his various co-plaintiffs, drawing from pop culture, sports, hip-hop and the news in general. So it comes as no surprise that Jonathan has written a poem to supplement his “PSA” in which he calls out members of the RDAP staff by name in rhyming couplets. If you ask us, it’s just begging for a beat.

Jonathan would like to urge his fans and concerned parties to get in touch about how to help his cause. You can do this by contacting him personally at the address found below, or by emailing us at Trumbullmag@gmail.com.

The poem:

THE RDAP STAFF, I LAUGH AT
They are crap

Dr. Kristen Hungness
Listen
You don’t run this
I run this shit
Dr. Hungness, I sued her
She looks like, Freddy Krueger

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    Footnotes

  1. A sentence he has vehemently challenged since 2003 based on the precedent set in the Booker/Fanfan decisions.

I Dropped Out of High School to Play StarCraft

zac greer starcraft 2 ii trumbull island

2006 Zac Greer playing StarCraft II, illustration by O.B.B.

We started Trumbull in Summer 2004 as a jackass ‘zine to make our friends cackle and educate morton teenagers on the subtle charms of the Cro-Mags’ 1990s recorded output. We may or may not have failed in our simple task, but, somehow, our zines are out of print and remain among our finest accomplishments — yes, even more impressive than my high school crust band, or Owen’s undocumented hitchhiking adventures. Though the confusion our overwrought tomes to forgotten Air Maxes elicited gives us warm feelings still, this piece, about how StarCraft changed our friend Zac Greer’s life, remains a favorite. StarCraft II was released last week.

StarCraft,1 I would say, is the best and most addictive game ever. It was made by Blizzard, the company that had made Warcraft 2 and Diablo. It’s a PC real-time strategy (RTS) game that pioneered the concept of totally different classes, or races, of which there are three. What makes the races special — two different types of aliens, and “humans” — is that they are all differently but perfectly balanced in their skills, something that had never been done or to my knowledge still hasn’t been, even in Blizzard’s [then- –ed.] newest RTS game Warcraft 3.

(Continued)

    Footnotes

  1. StarCraft was originally released 31 March, 1998.
  2. "The popularity of StarCraft, a military-sci-fi game, has given rise to an elite class of professional gamers who have been elevated to the status of national e-sports icons. The best are said to make up to $300,000 a year in televised contests watched online by tens of thousands of adoring fans."

Jonathan Lee Riches v. Lady GaGa, Octomom

jonathan lee riches v lady gaga octomom trumbull island stefani germanotta

Trumbull Island has discovered that one of the hottest jams of 2008-2009, Lady GaGa’s “Poker Face,” has quite an interesting story in its provenance. It seems that our friend Jonathan Lee Riches © had a hand in the penning of this number one hit. In a lawsuit dated March 29, 2010, Jonathan unfurls an account of how GaGa, “star struck” upon recognizing Jonathan at the MGM Grand in July 2002, took action against him after giving her the idea for her second big single:

Stefani Germanotta sat next to me and asked “Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy jeans your [sic] wearing.” …I said “Look lady, can’t you see I got a poker face, I’m trying to concentrate.” She then said “Poker face, I’m going to use that in a song of mine one day.”

Continue reading for the entire text of the suit, as well as the original PDF.
(Continued)

Whatever happened to Baby James?

Thoughts on LeBron before his 9 PM announcement … please read the Phil G interview a post below. I assure you, it has more staying power than this.

LeBron James, this past day, has been excoriated for “building his brand,” for potentially leaving Cleveland, for possibly staying in Cleveland, for asking for front-line help, for upsetting the time-honored tradition of the sleepy press conference. LeBron, you see, has been implicating himself in a sideshow instead of leaving the confetti-throwing to removed professionals. And worse, he’s not a winner. It’s hard to say if this outsized rage is deserved or merely misplaced.

(Continued)

    Footnotes

  1. Ohio natives excluded.
  2. One might wonder how much deeper the club would have gone had they swapped for Amar'e and not Antawn Jamison

Dear Jon, Pt. 5

Jonathan Lee Riches has been furiously writing us for the last two months. We have a stockpile of his letters and lawsuits that will be posted here soon. For now, check out his latest note.

free jonathan lee riches trumbull island

6-15-10
Trumbull,

This is Jonathan Lee Riches ©, my ramblings to you are under duress. I’m being experimented on with psychological warfare. I’m writing from solitary confinement, it’s called the special housing unit, SHU at the Federal Medical Center in Lexington Kentucky, FMC Lexington.

(Continued)

Jonathan Lee Riches v. Deepwater Horizon Rig

jonathan lee riches v deepwater horizon rig

It’s about time Trumbull weighed in on this BP mess in the Gulf of Mexico. However, our oil interests have called our objectivity into question. So, we’re going to pass the mic to our friend Jonathan Lee Riches. He recently sued the Deepwater Horizon Rig and some of its associates. Justia.com has been stingy with Riches’ case documents lately, but one of our inside men got us a copy of this legal masterpiece. What follows are Jonathan’s own handwritten words, edited (lightly) for spelling and grammar.

IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
DISTRICT OF COLORADO

Case No: 1:2010cv01123

Jonathan Lee Riches d/b/a
Bernard L. Madoff a/k/a
Umar Farouk ABdulmutallab
,
Plaintiff
v.
Deepwater Horizon Rig a/k/a Transocean Ltd d/b/a BP PLC; HalliBurton Co.; Royal Dutch Shell PLC; Total SA
; American Petroleum Institute; Tony Hayward; Gulf of Mexico; Gulf Islands National Seashore; Lake Pontchartrain; Chandeleur Sound; Mobile Bay; Breton National Wildlife refuge; Plaquemines Parish; Mississippi Delta; Gulfport Mississippi Police Department; Bon Secour National Wildlife refuge;
Defendants

[Preliminary Injunction, Temporary Restraining Order, TRO 28 USC 1331]

Comes now, Jonathan Lee Riches, d/b/a Bernard L. Madoff a/k/a Umar Farouk AbdulmutallaB. I face imminent danger and Bodily harm from the defendants collectively. My health is in serious Jeopardy because the oil is seeping through the ground and will hurt me causing me more medical problems than I can handle. The Deepwater Horizon Rig is a Environmental hazzard that’s involved with a major conspiracy with the Democrats to create a disaster so that Congress can justify a Ban on offshore drilling. Florida Sen. Ben Nelson [actually, Nebraska (D) — ed.] used his campaign money to secretly funnel funds into the accounts of the workers who died on the rig, in return they would die for the cause as martyrs, by blowing up the Deepwater Horizon Rig on purpose, so Nelson and other democrats can put on their Legacy to get Congress to stop drilling offshore.

This effects me personally. I will explain why. I’m in prison for computer hacking, phishing, spamming, identity theft. I’m illegally incarcerated as I was sentenced to over a decade in prison for being the mastermind of a international identity theft ring, cabal of cybercrooks where I sent the Melissa virus into 128 million PCs, and created botnets, spyware, and a Trojan horse to go steal Americans personal information, which I used to finance corporations and create a Ponzi scheme with my step-father Bernard Madoff, we financed GoDaddy.com with stolen money, I bought an ice cream truck in Phoenix, I renovated the Studio 54 nightclub and bought 43 acres of land and 3 cabins at Valley Forge Park, and now that I’m in prison at the Federal Medical Center in Lexington, Ky., getting medical treatment for my thigh cancer, I’m HIV positive, I have Hep-C, I have 1 leg, my right eye was poked out in a prison gang yard fight with Unabomber Kazinski (sic) and shoe bomber Reid at the ADX in Florence, Colo., where I spent 3 years in solitary confinement for filing 5,000 lawsuits and I’m not mentally stable now. The only thing I eat is on the prison commissary bluefin tuna, which comes from the Gulf of Mexico. The tuna I eat was caught 150 yards from where the Deepwater Horizon Rig exploded, and on 4-30-10 I opened up my tuna packet and ate a bunch of crude oil mixed in tuna oil which caused me to vomit, this is the defendants’ fault. All my 625 tuna packs that I bought are tainted with oil and in one of my tuna packs on 5-1-10, I found a burnt 1/2 identification badge from a unknown worker on the defendants’ rig that exploded. I want full congressional investigations because BP PLC, HalliBurton Co. stock went down after the disaster, but their executives and senators knew ahead of time to blow the rig up, so they sold their shares and did options knowing their stock would go down, this is manipulation, and a Wall St. scandal.

Also now, expect high prices at the gas pumps, this was done on purpose, so Americans will have to pay more for Memorial Day, this affects me because my mother collects SSI and is on welfare and defendants caused high gas prices, so she can’t afford to drive here to see me from Pennsylvania, my poor mother is 88 years old and she is now walking on the side of the interstate with a cane to come visit me. The Federal Bureau of Prisons is involved with chain gang labor, the defendants are in contract with the prisoners of FMC Lexington, to bring down 125 inmates, including me in a Bluebird Bus, to clean up oil on the Gulf Coast with our bare hands in balls and chains and my wildlife is being affected. My family can’t eat out at Red Lobster on Sat. night anymore out of fear the defendants poisoned their seafood, and the Mississippi River is in danger of overcrowding because illegal wildlife and Aqua life will have nowhere else to go but to swim upriver for safe haven which will cause fish gang turf wars and swordfish identity thieves with Travolta, and I won’t be able to swim in the Gulf of Mexico when I get out of prison because I will meet hostile poranna’s (sic), killer whales, Jaws who will be irritated and these animals know humans made their lives miserable and that’s why killer whales kill instructors at Sea World because oil got in their eyes. I was forced to build the Deepwater Horizon Rig for prison community service with Legos and Toyota parts. Also the defendants were in a conspiracy with North Korean ships, a covert operation. The Illuminati is responsible [for] cursing the New Orleans area again because of the areas Voo-doo practices. I admit on the record that Louis Farrakan paid me $3.5 million dollars to put dynamite on the 9th Ward Levees right after Katrina hit, I have the evidence on my DNA file and I pushed the act on YouTube.

Defendants are in a secret plot with republicans who are in a conspiracy with the democrats, the democrats want a end to offshore drilling, once this ban takes effect, then the republicans wil justify a invasion of Iran to steal their oil, using Iran as a enemy of Israel as a excuse, because gas prices are about to hit $4.00 a gallon and with this government caused recession, Americans will want justice and take it out on the poor Iranians. Also, the government controls the weather and this summer a Cat 5 hurricane is going to hammer the coast, justifying higher prices. I seek restraining orders, a government investigator, and the defendants turned over to the Hague for war crimes. I pray for relief.

Respectfully,
5-1-10
Jonathan Lee Riches

 

Missing the point

Wrote this for Sportsangle.com, this is how I feel about all the LeBron nonsense going on right now.

After turning in the worst playoff performance of his career, LeBron James might only have one more game of basketball left this season. Problem is, the most talented and accomplished young player on the planet famously has aspirations beyond athletics.

A celebrity and an outsized personality, the small forward has traditionally been selfish and petulant after his Cleveland teams’ eliminations, a fate he’s met with since first reaching the playoffs in 2006. Of course, until Tuesday, he’s been mostly excellent in these losses. So what happened early this week? Was he injured, defended well, or was he simply thinking about his dinner reservations?

(Continued)

Nomar finally a winner

My friend Esoteric was curious about Boston’s love for Nomar Garciaparra, a player who flamed out, left acrimoniously and was overshadowed by his shortstop contemporaries and the franchise who would eventually win it all without him. Nomar, though, was — and still is —loved by Red Sox fans for his glory days, and for what he represented. Esoteric asked why. I think, as a Red Sox fan, I can give a bit of an answer.

Of course, Nomar was a great Red Sox, the best homegrown player on a great team. Sure, the club had Manny and Pedro, but look at Nomar’s resume before 2000: Unanimous Rookie of the Year, then MVP runner-up, then two batting titles, all at shortstop. He slugged higher than A-Rod through his first four years (though being older and hitting at Fenway didn’t hurt), and was on a Hall of Fame path until his wrist injury. Looking back, that peak is easy to gloss over — he was bad longer than he was good — but for a time, Nomar Garciaparra was a very special baseball player.

(Continued)