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Piping features v. Firecanes

Tonight, President Obama will speak to us from the Oval Office about the BP oil spill and about our environment. I for one am displeased with the situation. These guys aren’t too happy about it either. And then there’s the issue of firecanes — what can Prez Obama possibly say about them to put the minds of our citizens at ease? This environmental, economic, social catastrophe is awful and seems to be spreading dismay just as quickly as the crude is gushing out of a grotesque hole in the bottom of the sea…but at least I get it.

Now, what about the Guatemalan Sinkhole? Is anyone still talking about it? Is everyone OK with it now? You’re all just OK with a giant hole in the earth opening up in a perfect circle and going so deep and swallowing part of a neighborhood in Guatemala? No. I think that more questions need to be asked. I don’t like looking into that thing and hearing the hollow sound of terror. But since I doubt that the scope of tonight’s Presidential address will include this issue, we sent a correspondent to the very mouth of doom with a list of questions so bold and prying that we fully expected him to be eaten alive by the interview subject. But after all, what are interns for if not to stand between the minds at work and the dark and mysterious forces of the universe that we dutifully and tirelessly analyze?

What is your name?

Most people call me the Guatemalan Sinkhole, but I’m really a “piping feature.” I don’t associate with sinkholes. You think about sinkholes, and you think of the Great Blue Hole, or the discovery of fossils from the Pliocene. Sinkholes are like potholes in the street — think of me as a gaping sewer that leads straight down to the meat locker. I’m here for chaos, for fire, the disappearance of neighborhood pets and churches falling into my belly.

Are you aware that there have been no deaths attributed to you?

Give me a break — I ate a factory my first day on the job. You probably made coffee for a fool.

So this is your job?

I’m just another horse from the big red stable downstairs.

Why do you smell so bad?

Smell bad? How about you fuck off and send the National Geographic guy back here? At least he knew what he was talking about.

Buddy, I think my work here is done. And it looks like yours is, too. They’re filling you in next week.

It would take an eon for these guys to fill me in! Have you seen how fast they work?

“These guys”? Are you racist?

I hate all people. I hate you.

Can I ask you one more question? This one’s from the list.

Sure, I-

Who would win in a fight, you or a firecane?

I’m fairly certain I could extinguish a firecane, but why would I want to? I wish I could belch them. In fact…you see that oil truck parked over there? Could you drive that into me? Let’s burn this shit down, bro.

Buddy, you’re dreaming. Good luck in Guatemala…Staples Center really could have used you!