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November, 2009

Every Friday Yeah

Screen-shot-2009-11-14-at-11.23.31-PM

Our friend Mark ran his comb through the Internet this week.

When you search “fat guy shooting a gun” on YouTube, this is what you get: A fat guy shooting a gun. Now when I see a fat guy on the street I wonder if he’s the one who shot the gun.

There’s a place in Antarctica. It’s the toughest location to get to in the world. I’m not sure if it exists. A statue of Lenin is there.

Remember that guy Ernest Hemingway? He was pretty cool (warning, its a PDF, still worth the read); “Everybody my age had written a novel and I was still having a difficult time writing a paragraph.”

This is a very calm scene.

Dogs falling out of sinks isn’t that funny, unless it’s a Pomeranian and the owner posts a question on Yahoo Answers.

I like this idea, more than the actual explanation in the article, still cool, my skin is full of ears, kind of…

Looks like we might actually have to start doing “real” research. Nagh…

Why do the tigers look so angry underwater?

And who invited these freaks to the party?

Gobble and Gallop

galloping gobbler

Happy Thanksgiving from Trumbull. Watch some football, eat some food (hurt yourself doing so), and to the best man goes the elusive Galloping Gobbler award,1 a true work of art.

    Footnotes

  1. Pictured is the old ('02-'06) model. The new one.

Beb on the Street Pt. 2: At Central Park Summer Stage

beb_SS1

What is your name?

What?

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

Eunice.

Nice headphones. Is pink your favorite color?

No.

What’s your favorite color?

Light pink.

Do you like Dinosaur Jr.?

They are loud!

They’re not very loud today…

What?

I said…Hey, where’s your mommy?

My mommy is at home. She let me use her MetroCard.

You’re here alone?

We’re having pizza tonight.

I love pizza!

You can’t come.

Why not?

Because you’re a stranger.

(Continued)

Follow Die Lederhosen

Ah, the Bundesliga fashion of West Germany. I remember growing up in Belgium, and besides the one Belgian TV channel, the BRT, you got BBC (England), RaiUno (Italy), WDR (West Germany), FR1 and FR21 (France), and some other ones you couldn’t understand. It wasn’t until the early ’90s that Belgium got another TV channel, and it was another few years before we got channels like MTV. The WDR was by far the worst channel. I hated it. Not only are Belgians raised to hate Germans, since your grandfathers fought and died in the war against them, but the WDR was the most boring and conservative channel in Europe. On Italian and Spanish channels you could see a lot of cleavage and funny gags, the French at least had Louis De Funes movies (that guy rules – look him up). But ze Germans, all they had was talk shows, the news, and old-man-detective shows like “Matlock,” except not awesome. They had tons of them. “Derrick,” “Der Alte,” all that shit. I haven’t watched these shows in two decades and I still remember them perfectly. Fucking WDR.

(Continued)

    Footnotes

  1. Sadly, Melissa Theuriau wasn't on either of these channels.
  2. We should note that the Bundesliga, Germany's Federal League, comprised teams from both West and East Germany. This is a good account of things.
  3. This happened.

Lil Wayne – No Ceilings

2.5-stars

Lil_Wayne_No_Ceilings-front-large

Patrick Jodoin of Flight Distance breaks down Lil Wayne’s newest mixtape by the track.

Roughly a year and a half after releasing his behemoth, Tha Carter 3, Lil Wayne offers another release to appease the folks awaiting his next studio album. No Ceilings, the mixtape, features Weezy F. Baby’s signature non-stop barrage of lyrics laced across a seemingly arbitrary selection of beats. Considering that Wayne’s popularity is clearly across-the-board, perhaps he is trying to please everyone here, or perhaps he doesn’t give a shit: People will check it regardless. This is a collection of dubs, and there are no original productions. Rap fans who heard that he’d be spitting on the classic posse cut, “Banned From TV,” from Noreaga‘s debut solo joint might have been hopeful that No Ceilings would feature more 90′s instrumentals. Don’t get your hopes up, this is an isolated incident.

Given the variety of track selections, which comprises current pop hits (Black Eyed Peas’ “I Gotta Feeling”) to recent hip-hop favorites (Jay-Z’s “D.O.A.”) to R&B productions (Mario’s “Break-Up”), it’s Wayne who is the uniting factor. He snarls his way through these soundscapes and makes everything gel, songs that would otherwise have little continuity from one to the next. Maybe that of an FM radio playlist. The mixtape’s highlight takes place on the second song, “Ice Cream,” where Wayne’s patterns and rhythm are off the hook. When the man gets in to a groove, it’s truly dope and unique.

(Continued)

    Footnotes

  1. The BP3 line, "I might send this to the mixtape Weezy," remains, but as with all of the tapes originating from the Young Money camp, No Ceilings truly is a 4 a.m. on the tour bus affair. All guest spots come from those with access to this intimate world.
  2. By 3 Deep.
  3. On his mixtape songs.
  4. (This is one of my favorite songs on the tape, actually. — Ed.)

Gotta Fight the Hard Way

“60 Minutes” ran a story on Sunday about improvised explosive devices (IEDs), or roadside bombs, the deadliest artillery found in Afghanistan, and the elite American squads dedicated to finding and disabling them. The units are known as Task Force Paladin, and their job is so crazy that the only way to join the team is to volunteer. Luckily for them, they ride in some of the most badass vehicles on the planet, designed to sustain blasts somewhere in the range between that of a plasma grenade and an Age Of Quarrel mushroom cloud. Force Protection, Inc out of South Carolina, “has become the nation’s leading center for blast protection technology and research to counter improvised explosive devices.” As a tribute to our troops, the dangerous work they do, and the awe-inspiring design of the vehicles they depend on, we present to you a look at Force Protection’s product line.

ied_teaser

Everything but the Kitchen Link

kitchen_link

It’s the freaking weekend, and our Bronx server, which went down, is back up, and we are coming hard with some sweet sweet content. The links which are in blue are culled by illustrious and industrious contributor Josh Feola, and per his tastes they carry a decidedly uptown bent. So, like we were saying: It’s the freaking weekend, let me give you some Links?

Pop-cognitive neuroscientist Steven Pinker fired an opening salvo at noted post-hoc sophist and seductor Malcolm Gladwell a few weeks ago in the New York Times Sunday Book Review. A bush-league flame war ensued this week when Gladwell roped Columbia Journalism Review and Niners Nation into the same sentence, then fizzled when he tried to pen some revisionist history about igons or something.

The President of the United States visited my current city of residence (Beijing). It was boring. The American Ambassador to China referred to people who study China as “mor[t]ons.”1

Kevin Garnett sunk a shot from the top of the Washington Wizards’ key. It didn’t count but he is cool.

Andy Warhol’s painting of two hundred dollars sold for $43.8M. There is nothing witty or insightful to say about this.

Some Nazis got teabagged in Arizona the other day. Meanwhile, in Tennessee, scientists dusted off their collective mantle — heretofore the exclusive domain of buckyballs and nanotubes — and welcomed graphene to the molecular Hall of Fame. Graphene, the “thinnest material possible,” is also “10 times stronger than steel” and “conducts electricity better than any other known material at room temperature.” Expect androids.

Trumbull’s science division is also excited to link to a WIRED story about new hope for cripped-up mice, and by extension, man, in the form of algae and light.

The subdued hype train for the new Herzog-Cage collaboration “Bad Lieutenant” has begun. I will be in the United States for one week this December and I am putting this at the top of my priority list. Please do the same so that we might see some healthy box office numbers that might help Cage’s chance to keep his treasured dinosaur skull off the auction block.

Levi’s Vintage Clothing, the Levi’s wing that reproduces old models of their jeans, lost its American distribution earlier this year, a turn of events that doubtlessly troubled people unfamiliar with proxiesmore consistent stateside presence. Only RRL product shots are harder to find than LVC, but some from spring have surfaced. I can’t mess with jean jackets — ”I’m not Satan” — but those pants look good. Hard to say if that color is what you see in person, but since you can now buy LVC joints at J. Crew, I assume you can check the spring stock for yourself in person, if you’re an American. As always, I recommend the Junk Hustle over retail, but what do I know?

This is necessary reading for anyone who spends their hard-earned money (or well-guarded time) on baseball entertainment. Or if you’re from the Rust Belt.

Buddy, can you E-mail me 100 bucks?

(Continued)

    Footnotes

  1. Here is some footage of mortons, also known as mortains, which are either cartoon hardcore music archetypes, or simply well-executed young edgeman. Photos taken from the fine Double Cross Web Zine.
  2. The greater.
  3. No relation to Jose or Hector.

Young Buck

Jennings, with a great haircut, as a McDonald's All American

Jennings, with a great haircut, as a McDonald's All American

There are lies, damn lies, and statistics, say many. But empirical evaluation and advanced metrics are popular now, and many well-heeled sports fans might object to that sentiment: Statistics, they might say, best show what an athlete did in competition. They help explain the zero-sum game better than the won-loss record. When a player scores, he wins. Someone got beat, and the scorer made them pay, and it remains in the stat line. But stats do not depict the whole story, and too big a reliance on numbers can lead to a misevaluation, which is what happened with Brandon Jennings.

Don’t pay for past performance, say many in baseball. Don’t gladly pay (with cheap prospects) today for a (pricy) home run hitter tomorrow. Don’t look for a slugger in free agency, either, since he will cost a draft pick — a young player under club control. Don’t pay too much for a 30-year-old whose best days, and stats, are likely behind him; don’t pay good money for what happened in the past. But in the case of Jennings, a heralded Compton point guard whose bad grades sent him to Italy to play pro basketball, teams paid for past performance when they didn’t sign him.

Jennings is leading his rookie class in scoring and PER, and on Saturday he set a Milwaukee Bucks franchise record with 55 points. He’s the youngest player in NBA history to score 50 points, beating LeBron. The teams which passed on Jennings in this year’s draft, nine in all, are reeling. Points are an overrated stat1 — not everyone can get enough looks to score, and some who put up big numbers are inefficient — but scoring 50 is special, and Jennings has been holding his own with the class even before his big night.

(Continued)

    Footnotes

  1. Simply put, teams overpay for scorers, even if they are defensive liabilities or can't rebound. Points is like batting average, it doesn't explain everything.
  2. One team took him off its board after scouts waited on him to show for a pre-draft workout.
  3. "NBA's Akon," 26 seconds in.
  4. And this was in a year when some fine NBA players returned to Europe.
  5. As one analyst predicted.

Nick of Tim: Stick to Your Guns

sticktoyourguns-web

LYNX

lynx

You wake up on Friday and you wonder, WTF happened this week. We’re here to tell you. We weren’t really paying attention either, but the data that really matters is the data that finds you.

Last Laughs: Sotheby’s sold some of Lord Byron’s unreleased freestyles for $455,000. He comes at Williams Wordsworth (“Turdsworth”) and the Portuguese in terms unfit to reprint here.

Hot Trax: Lady Gaga dropped the video for “Bad Romance.” Gucci Mane violated probation somehow and was promptly handed a 12-month bid. The Real Cam’ron announced his new single. BANE’s new 7″ is spinning on Brian Murphy’s turntable. Nicki Minaj has been hot all over a bunch of tracks, but if you want to understand anything she’s talking about, the Nictionary might help. Standout entry:

Barbie Juice : \bär-bē-jüs\ : noun

1: ice cold pickle juice in a glass that barbies drink to experience a sudden blast of EUPHORIA.

Does Nicki know about Grillo’s Pickles?

Plus/Minus: Either hyper-update or erase yourself completely, no more of this not answering emails crap, says Wally.

The Sporting Life:1 Tom Tango is pretty dry, while Stan Van Gundy is pretty relax. I’m pretty relaxed about Bill Simmons, the Sports Guy, but Charles P. Pierce, noted Masshole, and Slate contributor, administers the hottest ethering I’ve seen since I saw this last night.  Oh, and Google? I C What U Did There.

Until next week …

    Footnotes

  1. Shootout to Diamanda.

Pegasus – S/T EP

2.5-stars

pegasus-web

It’s been 11 years — hard to believe — since Merauder, the greatest of the late New York Hardcore bands, recorded a demo with Eddie Sutton of Leeway singing. The four songs that made up the Eddie demo were not a complete departure from Merauder’s proper albums — rhythmic Slayer riffage, double bass drums, very little quiet — but Sutton’s nuanced, high-pitched and often off-key vocals sounded so out of sorts that they might have turned off some less adventurous listeners. So the demo with the dirty recording stayed ignored outside Woodside and environs for a good half-decade, with many wishing the group stuck with either of its first two singers.

Pegasus, a current band of informal status and formal membership, begin their first seven inch EP with the riff from “Seasons in the Abyss” (the song). It might be the only broad reference on the record, which takes its remaining cues from sufficiently more obscure and sharper points — specifically, the Eddie demo. (Full disclosure: I’m friends with some of the band members, but I am not sure who plays what. I will try to focus only on the record.)

(Continued)

    Footnotes

  1. It is at this point I could wax on the subtle charms of the Phillies' on-the-field product and that rescuing diamonds from the rough is a civic virtue there, but I digress.
  2. Not a record, sure, but with the genre, a demo is just as good..

Dear Jon, Pt. 3

Jonathan Lee RichesOur friend Jonathan Lee Riches gets personal about pranks, hacking, and his mania.

10-18-09

Mr. Owen,

Hello, responding back.

I got a lot of thoughts running through the head that I have to produce on paper. I’m writing on top of a Wired Magazine. This pen is made by Bic, and this is Government typing paper.

When I think of your name, two thoughts come to mind. Owen Wilson & Conrad Black. Mr Zazi just got sued, “Riches v. Zazi.” I’ve sued Conrad Black, “Riches v. Black.” I have visions of people watching a Bronx Yankees playoff game (Oct 2012), when a streaker jumps the stands without a shirt, with marker on his back, JonathanLeeRiches.com, running to Derek Jeter to serve him legal papers.

I did have a dog, a 1.5 lb Pomoranian [sic] named Chops. I bought a home, fully paid for in 2001 with stolen credit card & identity theft money in Holiday, Florida, with my [girlfriend] at the time Stefanie [full name withheld]. CNN did a program on me called CNN presents: “How to Rob a Bank,” this can be viewed online, as it shows everything about my story, houses, cars, boats, etc.

Mr. Owen, I love to run. This is equally important to me with the lawsuits. If I miss a day, I go nuts. Let me re-say this, if I miss 1 out of the 3 runs I do daily, 1 hr each shot, (3 runs = 3 hrs) then I go nuts! Call it obsessive compulsive behavior, I call it driven borderline crazy.

(Continued)

    Footnotes

  1. My archives: a stack of ZooBooks, some drawings of some naked chicks, three $2 bills, a few riffs I've collected over the years, and a bunch of birthday cards from my grandmothers.
  2. A couple pieces of trivia on Mr. Wynn: He once paid $1.45M in ransom for his daughter Kevyn. He also married and divorced the same woman twice (most recently divorced this year).
  3. Pause.
  4. Not so much, but I got this.

Glossary of Emping Terms

The Scene R3ader supplied us with a partial glossary of terms, just in case today’s Emping post needed any clarification.

Buffer: The quantified value for the difference between your uploads and your downloads — the calculation of which (megabytes up/megabytes down) determines your ratio.

The Cycle: Downloading the FLAC, 320, V0, and V2 rips of a new popular album on a tracker-based Web site for the betterment of one’s ratio.

Dupe: A duplicate upload of an already existing torrent on a tracker-based Web site.

Emp: An MPEG-1 Audio Layer 3 file, commonly referred to as an Mp3. Also used as a verb, meaning to download Mp3s.

Lossy: When any audio source is compressed and audio quality is compromised for the sake of file size (Mp3s are inherently lossy). Note that FLACs — Free Lossless Audio Codecs — are lossless.

(Continued)

Scene R3ader

Check 'em

You think you’re an empman, but you’re not.

You might have 160 gigabytes worth of music on your iPod Classic, but if I know my emps and the indiscriminate practices of “music listeners” these days, you’ve got some m4a’s in there as well. You may have even just grabbed an advance copy of [Popular Band]‘s latest album off mediashare, but chances are the emps were scanned, retagged, and archived on our RAID solutions two weeks ago. Truth is, you know nothing of the world of emping. From your vantage point, you see only the tip of the iceberg but not the depths to which the game descends. If you pay close attention here, though, you can learn to survive in the mosh pit of private trackers and the world of emping.

(Continued)

Stop and Link

IMG_6760

Yeah, I'm linked to these girls, sure.

Well, it’s been a hairy week. The World Series came and went, Halloween came and went (not in that order), and I came and went to The Great White North. While there I had plenty of time to surf, and I consider this the best of the Web:

The game analysis in this Weekend Dime is a bit outdated, but the top cap space teams for 2010 is avant if anything. Also, money quote: “You hesitate to nitpick given how ruthless Boston has been to start the season, but it’s impossible not to notice that Sheed hoisted six 3-pointers in 24 minutes of the Celtics’ win Tuesday in Cleveland, then took eight shots — all 3s — in Wednesday’s home rout of Charlotte. Before that, Wallace launched 39 3-pointers in Boston’s seven preseason games.” Sheed has since made 10 three-pointers since Sunday, including six in Tuesday’s win over the Sixers.

Jonah Keri remembers Pedro Martinez’s forgotten perfect game. Pedro didn’t pitch too well or look too good in Wednesday’s deciding World Series contest — he was breathing heavily and his delivery was stiff from what I caught — but we all know how special he was at his peak. Manny Ramirez, the other outsized personality from that epic Red Sox nucleus, earned a New Yorker profile, but if you ask me, Pedro is the more compelling character.

(Continued)

TOY: Pro-Teens

Jørgen Traen and Alisdair Stirling

Jørgen Traen and Alisdair Stirling

I first became aware of the British/Norwegian duo known as TOY on Annie’s 2005 DJ Kicks record. “Rabbit Pushing Mower” was the leadoff track, and part of me never came back from the cartoon world their baby brand of Dada-esque electronic (and analog) music transported me to. There I remained, guarding the Easter Egg they left me with, awaiting their return. I grew anxious. I found a few more emps in some nonnative corners of the Web. Then, finally, their self-titled LP arrived in 2006. It truly was the masterpiece I had been waiting for. Last year, when I got in touch with these fellows, their Half Baked Alaska EP was still hot and fresh on store shelves.

1. What other projects were each of you involved with when the duo began, and how did this lead to TOY? What was your goal with the group?

Alisdair Stirling: I was in Bergen making a House of Hiss record and met Jørgen through that. He was wearing a rabbit suit, which kind of suggested a humorous approach. Our goal with TOY was just to make more music for Pingu to listen to. He only had that one great record, “Woodpecker in Space,”1 and we thought he should have some others.
Jørgen Traen: I was doing my own project called Sir Dupermann, and also producing other bands. I did some mixes for House of Hiss. I also had this ongoing project to show everyone that it is OK to walk around in a whole knitted suit. It was fun/difficult.

(Continued)

    Footnotes

  1. Actually "Woodpeckers from Space" (by VideoKids).
  2. Why 2? Well, this is /toymusic.

Leighton Meester “Somebody to Love” f. Robin Thicke

2.5-stars

Leighton_Meester_feat_Robin_Thicke-Somebody_To_Love

Fresh from the cult of Gossip Girl, this 3:32 of pop ecstasy negotiated a maze of dead-end links (here’s my nod to the team at Universal Republic) into my iTunes folder and has been on repeat ever since. It was produced by music mastermind Mike Caren, whose credits include seeing to the chopping and screwing of albums by T.I. and Twista, Juvenile’s Reality Check, “Swagger Like Us,” Handsome Boy Modeling School, and can you believe it? Asher Roth’s “I Love College.” Quite a man, who, at only 17 years old, became the Manager of Rap Marketing of Atlantic’s ‘Big Bear’ imprint.1 Partial production credit goes to Oligee, who Wikipedia has not yet honored with a stub, but runs a pretty tight MySpace with cool photos. Well done, all!

    Footnotes

  1. Which, we assume, had nothing to do with this.

Annals of Headgear

hats-1

“I love college,” the songwriter Asher Roth said so very long ago. And we laughed.

But you know, I really do. I treasure the rich experience of my higher education, and looking back, don’t miss for much. Still, when I gaze upon these hats, I see the thousands of collegiate careers I have, do and will live out in alternate universes. Like that one where I’m a Gamecock. Or the one where I go to Tulane. There’s one where I get serious about swimming instead of hanging out in the parking lot with the exchange students. But here I am, and there you are — wouldn’t you agree that these dimensionally-restrictive, linear lifetimes can be an awful drag? With only crude links to the all-seeing, all-experiencing, multi-dimensional consciousness of my being, I’m left here with but fleshen nostalgia and a wish to rock all the gear, to nap on all those quads… to tear down the uprights at Wisconsin, to wake up at six in the morning for two-a-days at Hobart, etc. So for now, these jpeg mosaics will have to do.

You see, I’m not much of a “hat guy”1 anymore, but my feelers out in the Junk Hustle current went all a-twitter the other day, and I found the mother lode in eBay seller inyourcourtsports’ items. The hats pictured, which were manufactured by The Game Headwear in the ’90s, are to me the epitome of college athletic and aesthetic cool. They say everything in plain letters with only a couple thin, colored lines on a (usually) white 35/65 blend. It’s a classic design — try finding one that looks bad. Heck, just try finding one. You can’t.

Here you’ll find a sampling of what is out there, along with our thoughts on some of the more striking specimens.

(Continued)

    Footnotes

  1. I'm certainly no Shorts Guy. But who is? Well, this one guy, in Central Jersey, who wears shorts in the winter. I forget his name, but he played JV Hockey at Holy Cross and if you call his dad and ask for Shorts Guy, you'll reach him.
  2. Yea boi.
  3. Full name Young Alex of Bite.
  4. Proline status, so just a footnote.
  5. Strength, loyalty.

Squirrel Bait

Lady Londonberry

There is a stereotype attached to Catholic schools, one of being beaten by nuns with rulers and learning to fear hell and the devil. But I’m actually going to save my tales of metal-lined straight-edge rulers finding their marks on my devil-worshiping seven-year-old wrists for a goooood therapist. Or at least someone waiting for the No. 1 bus at the Mass Ave. bus stop, on a day I decide I just want to drool and yell at passersby.

I will share a quick tale from the nunnery, for now, that has always stayed with me. One of the school’s nuns was walking through the forest-like section of Mission Hill separating Alleghany St. from Cherokee St. (We used to call it “The Jungle” as kids, and I’d later hide with friends and smoke cigarettes there when I was 13. Also, when I was 10, a bug flew down my throat as I barreled through the rocky dirty pathway on my bicycle. I’m actually still waiting to die from that and/or have my mommy “take it out.”) As the nun was walking through, a squirrel came scampering up to her, as squirrels do. But this squirrel happened to be rabid, and promptly chomped down on her ankle, not releasing it from its teeth. This nun, who was probably Chevy Chase,1 screamed for help and ran about with a wild invalid affixed to her ankle, causing a nearby priest to come to her assistance with a rifle. He blasted the critter off her.

I personally don’t see why priests or the Catholic church in general doesn’t devote the lions’ share of their sermons to Rabid Satan Squirrels, because, as a kid, this story terrified me. I feel they could really get their numbers back up. I mean come on! The devil is more played out than a backwards Judas Priest record. What about these squirrels? I’ve yet to hear about Rob Halford or K.K. Downing attacking nuns. This leads to my next thought: What happens when you play a Chipmunks record backwards? But I’ve been meaning to start a new religion anyway, so maybe I’ll hold off on that petition for a bit.

(Continued)

    Footnotes

  1. No word as to whether she was indeed him, he of "Vacation" and the original Steely Dan lineup.
  2. Well... at least a few months ago.
  3. !